Welcome to the top of the pack, Phil Stacey.

To the rest of you: Be glad Simon doesn't make you smell Paul Kim's bare feet.

In what truly has to be considered one of the weakest live American Idol shows in the behemoth's six-season, five-year run, the bald-headed, Clay Aiken soundalike (scary how much he sounds like Aiken) from Jacksonville, Fla., was the only male in the Top 12 to stand out, according to the fearsome threesome of Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell.

Stacey originally auditioned the day after his baby was born, and he missed her birth. Syrupy, sweet story aside, his vocal talent went from ordinary in the auditions to solid in Hollywood. On a night when every Idol singer played it safe and generally bored the judges, Stacey was the only one to grab a chorus by the balls and prove his musical manhood.

Truth is, Tuesday's episode isn't nearly as bad as I made it out to be, not in my opinion at least.

Rudy Cardenas' version of Edgar Winter's "Free Ride" was solid if not for some vocal roughness in the middle.

The judges immediately pounced.

Randy called it "corny."

Simon said, "I don't think you have a distinctive voice."

Paula loved the 28-year-old North Hollywood, Calif., native.

So, the show generally goes. However, as the night wore on, so did Paula's opinions.

She told Texas native Sundance Head that he picked the wrong song when he puked all over The Moody Blues' "Nights In White Satin." In one of the truly terrible performances in Idol history, the son of a former top R&B star managed to sing an entire song off key.

Paula told the barefoot Kim that he "oversang" George Michael's "Careless Whisper," while Simon called him third-rate, adding that "I would suggest putting your shoes on next week ... if you're here."

However, Paula's tough opinions cut through several more wannabes.

She told Massachusetts native Nick Pedro that "the magic just fell flat," and beatboxer deluxe Blake Lewis that he picked an odd song in choosing Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know."

If Paula was super tough on Tuesday, one can only imagine how critical Randy and Simon were -- and, possibly, just how bad the performances were.

For my taste, it's still about potential at this point. Stacey's vocal in the middle of Edwin McCain's "I Could Not Ask For More," was as Randy said "on point." He has a solid voice when he sings strong, yet his ability to sing soft and gentle, such as at the beginning of the tune, was rightly called "monstrous" by Simon.

Brandon Rogers' tone is so great that even a dull rendition of Michael Jackson's "Rock With You" fared among the best of the night. Unfortunately for Rogers, for a guy who has sang for Anastacia and has a background at the University of North Texas (great music school), he has yet to wow anybody.

However, the moment of the night came after Chris Sligh, the man whom Jack Osbourne looks like (as opposed to the other way around), sang Mute Math's "Typical". Simon noted that while Sligh's humor has served him well, the performance reminded him of "some student gig."

Sligh replied with some crack about Simon's involvement with the terrible, hideous Il Divo and the Teletubbies, both of which Cowell had a hand in creating, apparently.

I knew to blame Simon for the former, but for the latter?

Who knew?

What Sligh soon found out is that Americans should never mess with a Brit's wit. Cowell replied by telling Sligh that he reminded him of those Teletubbies, making reference to Chris' extra weight. Fat jokes are a Simon Cowell forte.

Touche. Touche all around.

Nevertheless, Sligh and the Seattle-native Lewis were at least original. Sligh sang a tune nobody has ever heard of, although anybody who's visited his various Web sites should know he reveres the New Orleans-based band.

Lewis' version of the Keane song demonstrated that he could, in fact, sing -- albeit not at a level that I think could win him the Idol title.

Chris Richardson sang a little Gavin DeGraw, and A.J. Tabaldo grooved to some Luther Vandross.

What's odd about that combination, given Richardson's vocal resemblance to Justin Timberlake, is just how much more soul Tabaldo had. Simon seemed a bit surprised about Tabaldo's better-than-expected performance of "Never Too Much."

"Maybe you're a better than I originally thought," he said.

Of course, per usual, that quip came after 30 seconds of tougher criticism.

The problem with guys like Tabaldo, Pedro and Jared Cotter, who turned in a fair performance of Brian McKnight's "Back at One," is that there is not a thing unique about them. After five full seasons of Idol, given the success that their predecessors have had, this season's Top 24 should realize that being unique is their ticket to the Top 12.

And, to stardom.

Being unique could serve Sanjaya Malakar well. His rendition of Stevie Wonder's "Knocks Me Off My Feet," was completely panned by the judges, yet there is something, well, unique about the kid that makes you think he'll stay alive for at least another week.

Unfortunately, for Nick Pedro, a boring rendition of Richard Marx' terrible, disgusting "Now and Forever" likely sends him back to the day job on Thursday. His dismissal, I think, is a certainty.

While Sundance's trashing of a rock-n-roll classic should have been enough to render him eliminated that instant, I think America will give the guy another chance -- deservedly so. There is something about his approach to this competition that demonstrates a lack of confidence.

I don't think he yet quite knows what he's supposed to be doing musically.

That could be a killer down the road; however, he's from Texas. I'd suggest a side trip to a smoky bar, a few beers and some live rock-n-roll. Go with the blues, man. Not only can being a one-trick pony save the guy from an unexpected early elimination, I think it could be his ticket to the Top 5, at least.

Where is the shame in being a great blues vocalist for goodness' sake?

The guy with the best voice most likely to be eliminated early though is Rudy Cardenas, whose personality has yet to stand out with the judges. His work with a capella group M-Pact is sensational, and if Tuesday night's performance is his last on Idol, perhaps it's God's way of letting him know where he should be musically.

Again, no shame.

However, for any of these cats to have a chance at the grand prize come May, they'll have to step up considerably. It was a dismal start to the live part of the Idol season, and I expect they know it.

The good news though is that there is still enough that is fresh and unique about certain contestants that Season 6 has the chance to progressively get better and better each week, as opposed to its general cycles of good this week and crappy the next.

My picks (guesses) to go home: Nick Pedro and Rudy Cardenas, which if correct is a darned shame because Cardenas can flat-out sing.

Who I'd send home: Pedro and Sundance Head. While I still think the son of Roy Head has tons of potential, he's just not pliable enough to be a vocal every-man at this point. If he'd promise to stick with the blues, I'd give him a second chance.

Everybody else should feel lucky they're getting a second chance and get to work immediately. Boy, I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but I can't stress enough just how underimpressive this group was upon first listen.